February 16, 2036
It’s been a long road.
With apologies to Star Trek: Enterprise, that’s not
just a song lyric. It’s been a long road for me. I’m about to turn 58 years old
and my life has been a series of nothing but ups and downs; most of the downs
have been my own fault, either because of choices I’ve made or the way I’ve
reacted to things. I’m not going to lie: I still have a lot of issues to work
through, but at least I haven’t had a drink. It’s been ten years, in fact. I
was in denial for a long time, but it took getting hospitalized and having to
move back in with my parents for a while to get me to really recognize that I
just can’t drink. Ever. I can’t pretend that I’m like other people. I can’t
hide my alcoholism. I have to be open about it, and I can’t be reluctant to
turn down a drink when it’s offered. I can’t go on a date and pretend I’m a
normal person.
But the bigger issue was always that I can’t deny who I am.
The alcoholism is part of it, but I can’t deny myself the things I want to do
or the people I want to be around. I didn’t like living at the Hacienda or the
Salvation Army or in Fontana because that’s just not me. I don’t want that
lifestyle. I gave up most of the things I wanted to do years ago, but when
Lindsey and I were together, in fact, because I felt guilty spending money on
myself. I stopped buying comics, going to conventions, playing card games, and
lots of other things because it all costs money, and in doing so I gave up parts
of myself. I pretended I didn’t need anything and, especially after Lindsey
left, I didn’t allow myself to do things that brought me joy or that I could
look forward to on long days at work. And so I started drinking more and more.
Part of staying sober is letting those little moments of light and joy into my
life and not feeling guilty about it. I had to give myself permission to be
happy.
And it’s been good since then. Things have improved. I’m working
a decent job and, while I’m not rich, I have a decent amount of money. And I
have people in my life now, people I enjoy talking to and spending time with. I’m
not afraid to be myself anymore, and that’s helped me stay sober. If I have joy
in my life, why would I want to give that up for a drink? I don’t, and I hope I
never will again.