Monday, February 16, 2026

Writing Prompt #3: Write a diary entry, dated 10 years in the future.

February 16, 2036

It’s been a long road.

With apologies to Star Trek: Enterprise, that’s not just a song lyric. It’s been a long road for me. I’m about to turn 58 years old and my life has been a series of nothing but ups and downs; most of the downs have been my own fault, either because of choices I’ve made or the way I’ve reacted to things. I’m not going to lie: I still have a lot of issues to work through, but at least I haven’t had a drink. It’s been ten years, in fact. I was in denial for a long time, but it took getting hospitalized and having to move back in with my parents for a while to get me to really recognize that I just can’t drink. Ever. I can’t pretend that I’m like other people. I can’t hide my alcoholism. I have to be open about it, and I can’t be reluctant to turn down a drink when it’s offered. I can’t go on a date and pretend I’m a normal person.

But the bigger issue was always that I can’t deny who I am. The alcoholism is part of it, but I can’t deny myself the things I want to do or the people I want to be around. I didn’t like living at the Hacienda or the Salvation Army or in Fontana because that’s just not me. I don’t want that lifestyle. I gave up most of the things I wanted to do years ago, but when Lindsey and I were together, in fact, because I felt guilty spending money on myself. I stopped buying comics, going to conventions, playing card games, and lots of other things because it all costs money, and in doing so I gave up parts of myself. I pretended I didn’t need anything and, especially after Lindsey left, I didn’t allow myself to do things that brought me joy or that I could look forward to on long days at work. And so I started drinking more and more. Part of staying sober is letting those little moments of light and joy into my life and not feeling guilty about it. I had to give myself permission to be happy.

And it’s been good since then. Things have improved. I’m working a decent job and, while I’m not rich, I have a decent amount of money. And I have people in my life now, people I enjoy talking to and spending time with. I’m not afraid to be myself anymore, and that’s helped me stay sober. If I have joy in my life, why would I want to give that up for a drink? I don’t, and I hope I never will again.

Sunday, February 15, 2026

Writing Prompt #2: Have you ever spoken up when you saw something going on that was wrong? Were you scared? What ended up happening?

I absolutely have. The most recent example is a place I worked at until a couple of years ago where I was the office manager and later the assistant director. This was a residential facility for men with a history of substance abuse, and it was intended as a place dedicated to recovery and staying sober.

Within the space of about a year, both the CEO of the non-profit corporation and the director of the facility both passed away, which led to a major shakeup in leadership. The new CEO pursued a very different agenda and had very different priorities than the previous one, and major changes started happening. Necessities were cut. Essential property and equipment were sold. Standards were lowered or eliminated. I spoke up about all of those, every cut or sale or elimination that negatively impacted the residents that we were supposed to be caring for and helping. My boss, the new facility director, agreed with me, but the CEO wasn’t listening.

Eventually, we were asked to overlook or bypass admission requirements. The CEO asked for an admission letter, signed by the director, for someone we had never met or heard of. The normal process was for me to do an intake interview with potential new admissions to determine their history, medical status, and legal status before committing to bringing them in; this was to make sure they didn’t have any medical conditions we weren’t able to provide for and to make sure they didn’t have any outstanding warrants or pending court appearances at distant locations (local appearances were fine) and were in compliance with any terms of parole or probation. It was against policy to issue an admission letter without conducting an interview like that, but the CEO insisted on it anyway. My director instructed me, over my objections, to prepare the letter and send it to the CEO.

Months went by and we completely forgot about that letter. We issued several of those letter every week, which inmates at local jails would often present at a hearing in support of their request to be released; it wasn’t uncommon for us to never hear from that individual again, so it was easy to lose track of any one letter. Then, one day, the CEO sent a guy over unannounced to live on the property with us. The instruction wasn’t to admit him, which would have involved having this individual live with the rest of the residents under supervision without a cell phone or privileges to leave and return at will. Instead, he brought a trailer with him and was allowed to live by himself in that trailer and to come and go as he pleased. We had problems with this person immediately: he barricaded himself into his trailer, came and went at all hours of the day and night, behaved erratically, and things started disappearing all around the property. But he was there at the direction of the CEO, so there was little we could do about it.

Then, one night as I was getting ready to go to bed, one of the staff came banging on my door. The individual I had been referring to had apparently collapsed in the middle of the courtyard and needed help. By the time I got out there, he had been helped onto a nearby bench and was having trouble catching his breath. I started asking him questions about what had happened and if it had ever happened before; at that point, I had already decided to call 911 out of an abundance of caution, but as I was asking my first couple of questions his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell off the bench onto the cement. I immediately called for an ambulance while one of the staff performed CPR, but by the time the paramedics arrived he was already dead. It seemed obvious at the time, but it was confirmed later that he had died of an overdose, and some of the residents confirmed that he had left the property earlier and returned with a backpack, though we never did find out exactly what he returned with.

This was someone our CEO had met while doing prison ministry in San Bernardino, who had apparently agreed to do handyman and construction work around the property in exchange for permission to live on the property for zero rent. He had a history of drug abuse, which wasn’t disclosed to us because he didn’t go through the proper admissions process. I watched him die on the front porch of my office because the CEO bypassed normal policy to get free work from someone he barely knew.

That was the beginning of the end for me. I stayed on for a while after that, but the changes didn’t slow down; if anything, they ramped up. More and more things were eliminated or sold off, more and more things were prioritized over the recovery program, and gradually the facility became something it had never been intended to be: a flophouse. A few months later, the CEO was scheduled to make a presentation to the remaining residents about a new direction for the facility, a direction that didn’t involve recovery or programming but instead focused on revenue generation and a change in mission. That morning, I resigned. In my role as assistant director, it would have been my job to be supportive of this new direction and supportive of the CEO, neither of which I felt I could do at that point. I packed up as much of my belongings as would fit in my van and left, and that was the end of a long chapter in my life.

Saturday, February 14, 2026

Writing Prompt #1: What person in your life knows you the best, and how did you meet?

Years ago, this would have been an easy question to answer: it was my kids. When they were little, I was the parent who mainly cared for them and we spent a lot of time together. I always tried to be honest and up front with them, and they knew me better than anyone, including their mother. As the years have gone by, though, we’ve drifted apart. I suppose that’s normal, but it bothers me. If I’m being honest, it breaks my heart every day. The fact of the matter is that they just live too far away for us to have a really close relationship. They’re all adults now, of course. Ben and James live in Sacramento, and William was living in New York until he decided to move overseas to London.

The reality is that I don’t have anyone in my life right now who knows me terribly well. I’m getting along better with my parents now than I have in years, but I don’t think they really know me that well. We don’t have a whole lot of deep conversations and we don’t have many shared interests, either. At one point, a couple of years ago, I would have said Rose Marie knew me best, but we haven’t been able to talk much for over a year and a half now. I don’t even have her phone number anymore. Until just recently, I was hoping this would just be a phase we’re going through, I’ve finally had to accept that it’s not going to change, so I stopped going to church (which was the only place I could even say hi to her at all) and I’m just going to stay away from her. I’m going to try to stay out of Perris altogether. It’s best for everyone involved, but it means I don’t have a best friend anymore and I don’t have anyone who knows me very well.

Obviously, I met my kids when they were born. I was in the operating room when all three of them were born, so I have literally known them their entire lives. Rose Marie was someone I met by accident at a Memorial Day barbeque. She came up to me while I was standing in line to get a hot dog and a hamburger and she asked me to watch the two little dogs she had on leashes while she used the bathroom. While she was gone, one of the dogs (the little troublemaker) turned around and yanked his head out of his collar and went running around the property. I had to leave the other dog with a friend of mine and go chase him down; I finally caught him after he was too exhausted to sprint anymore and I was able to return him to her, after which we started chatting and struck up a friendship that lasted almost ten years. She’s had two kids since then and I know both of them very well; whenever they see me, they want to tell me stuff and show me stuff and play, and they like to walk around with me and explore places while I watch to make sure they don’t get hurt. That ended a while back, though, and I don’t talk to any of them anymore.

Welcome

The last time I used this blog was 2013. That was a long time ago and I was a very different person back then. A lot has changed for me, and I've decided I need to write and share my thoughts more regularly. I'm going to make an effort to write something every day; it might not be terribly deep or meaningful, but that's okay. It's just meant to get the juices flowing because I haven't written anything other than work documents in years. Sometimes these might be musings about my day or life in general, sometimes they might be short stories or poems or simple writing prompts (I bought a book with 300 writing prompts, so that should be me plenty of ideas), or they might be thoughts about something I've read or seen in the news or about politics (fair warning: I'm a liberal and I'm not afraid to talk about it).

It's entirely possible that no one will ever read this, and that's fine. This is more for my own personal benefit than for anyone else's, but if anyone out there does read it, I hope you get something out of it, even if it's just food for thought. Thanks for being here.